Seamlessly integrate work and social networking

What two forms of communication use brief, sparsely worded sentences, in a precise order, used to communicate events or a story? Powerpoint and twitter/facebook status updates! Srsly guys, why aren't more ppl doing this?

(Read from the bottom up.)

Insecure Friday

I've had it with Casual Friday. Good concept but hell on us slightly/fairly/neurotically insecure people, and always results in a lose-lose-lose situation. No matter what I do, I invariably get one of three responses:

1. I wear a suit. Here I get comments like ‘It’s casual Friday, wear some jeans! Come on let’s casual it up’... I think this semi-jocular banter is usually so that accuser, who also feels somewhat insecure, can feel cool about being casual. Yeah, nice checkered shirt, now my eyes are bleeding.
2. I wear casuals: Mostly positive comments, but at least a few like ‘Hey, nice outfit! I really dig the retro 70s throwback/African safari/Miami Vice/Cuban drug lord/nerd chic/trashy underdressed look you’ve got going there’. Not sure what's intended here, but the effect of every word after 'nice outfit' is to have me weeping at and sometimes under my desk.
3. I go to the client: I’m neither formal enough for the partner nor informal enough for the client. Ding.

I dunno, maybe I just don't get other guys' interpretation of 'casual', which is to get a business shirt and tuck it into ill-fitting jeans. Don't get me started on the sneakers. I'd donate the mandatory $2 to charity just to see a little less of that.

Some alternative suggestions:

• Pyjama Friday: Wow! Except people probably will take it as a sign to not even shower. Also, I don't actually own pyjamas (I don't see the point), so I may cause everyone else suffering in my jocks
• Business Smart Casual Friday. What the hell, nobody knows what any combination of two or more of those words put together means anyway, so let's just dial up the ambiguity level
• Naked Friday. Also save 15 mins in ironing and dressing. That's like 15 mins worth of a chevron-style chain of morning activities!

How to pwn the case interview

It's that time of year - interview time. The following is a succinct summary of how to beat the well known consulting adversary, the case interview.

Before the interview

• Don't wear a tie. Everyone knows consultants don't wear ties.
• Bring two coffees up to the interview with a receipt; ask the interviewer to charge it in.
• Refuse the pens offered to you and use the fake Montblanc pen you bought in Bangkok. Use red ink because it shows you have class.
• Make sure you take a mocked-up business card just like the firm's cards, with the subtext ‘Prince of Strategy’ under your name.
• Don't give your name. When asked your name, feign surprise that they don't know. At this point, flick your mocked-up card at them, aiming for the face, and inform your interviewer that you’re the Prince of Strategy.
• When asked if you're interviewing elsewhere, don’t use stereotypes to describe those firms. Be more creative! E.g. ‘X firm has great resource sector clients, which are unfortunately full of very ugly, smelly men’ or ‘I heard Y firm’s hors d’oeuvres they serve in meetings are often stale’ or even ‘Z firm is full of horse manure eating goats’.
• Use 'consultant' to describe all your former jobs. E.g. waitress = customer experience consultant, pizza delivery driver = QSR logistics consultant.
• Find a way to let them know that you didn't take the job at Goldman Sachs. Pronounce it ‘Golmansax’.
• Ask the interviewer why they didn't go to a better business school.
• Use a joking mispronunciation of the firm’s name – it shows you are confident, witty and comfortable in the presence of awesome power. Common mispronunciations are: Bains & Co, McBain, Mickey K’s, Baker & McKinsey & Co., Boston CG or BCV.
• Be clear that you’re only interviewing here because the markets are haywire, and that as soon as they right themselves, you’re outta there and into a REAL finance job.

The case interview

• Say ZING!' every time you think you nailed something. (Including the handshake greeting.)
• Focus on revenues. Costs are for losers!
• For consumer foods cases, make sure you make a reference to Porter’s Five Sauces. The Five Sauces are ketchup, mustard, Tabasco, HP and Worcestershire. Some commentary you can provide is that some theorists have hypothesised about a sixth sauce, but say that you do not believe that oyster sauce counts as it’s only for Asians.
• Forget the 4 Ps of marketing… it’s all about the 5 Ps, or better, 6 Ps. And screw the 3 Cs… how ‘bout the 5 Cs: cash, cars, champagne, chicks and Cubans! Offer the interviewer one or more of the 5 Cs.
• A quick way of multiplying two two-digit numbers (say AB * CD) is to round each two digit down to the first digit (A * C), and then just pick the biggest one.
• When given a coloured chart, ignore the yellow bit. It's a trick.
• Take an envelope. Also take an HP-12C to demonstrate your financial nous; carefully transcribe numbers from the 12C to the back of the envelope.
• Use some glim-glam buzzwords of the day to impress them. For extra points on the bravado front, couple them with suggestive innuendo, starting with the words ‘well, how’d you/how about I…!’ It will startle them into accepting any of your other recommendations because they’ll be so palatable by comparison.
  
• All manufacturing problems can be solved with Vaseline.
• Claim that you invented ‘Six Sigmas’, with the ‘s’ on the end. Show them a picture of half a dozen baby swans as an example of the Six Sigmas.
• Refer to Michael Porter as ‘Michael’ constantly. E.g., ‘Michael says that the best way to solve profitability problems is to look at the value chain.’ If asked about who Michael is, ridicule them for not knowing the King of Strategy. Take the opportunity to mention that you're the Prince of Strategy (again). Flick another card at their face.
• Offer to sell the interviewer a CDO or CDO-squared every minute or so, gradually lowering your prices.
• Quantify everything. At the end of the interview, tell the interviewer the number of times they said 'leverage', 'granularity' or 'high-level'.
• Insist that you ‘pwned’ the case once it is over. For example, ‘Well, I totally pwned that one. What next?’

Chit-chat and wrapping up

• Firms are very conscious of diversity. Address this and display your wit by telling your favourite joke about someone of an ethnic, gender, religious and other minority. E.g. ‘A Muslim Arab female walks into a queer brothel…’ – the interviewer is sure to remember you with this classic.
• Suggest that the reason so many people come to this firm from other firms is not from personal preference, but because they couldn't hack the up-or-out in the other firms.
• When it comes to asking questions about the firm during the interview, be sure to make it clear you're in it for the money and ask about the salary. Look like you smelled something bad when they respond. Repeat the question in full as if you didn't hear the answer.
• Smile! You pwned it.

Imperfect storm

I'm really sick of this phrase.

Template for articles on [economy/financial crisis]

Lately, all news in The Age (which isn't really produced by local reporters anymore) has been following a generic template. I think I've deduced what it is, below.

-----

In a new day of [x-year lows/surprising twists/otherwise boring local news], the market took an x.y% or x point drop, reaching x points, eclipsing all gains over the previous [insert period], which only amounted to x%. The market reached x points, the lowest since 20xy.

The Australian dollar also plunged x%, closing at xx.yy US cents. In overnight trading it reached a low of xx.yy cents, but recovered by x% to xx.yy cents by the time Australian markets opened this morning.

'The market is responding to [automatic selling/panicking/capitulation/cry-baby shareholders/speculation/hedge fund bastardry] in light of the [insert most recent event on financial markets or politics at a stretch]. There will be no doubt a correction over the next x [days/weeks/months/years]', said [corporation]'s [CEO/Chief Economist/analyst schmo] Andrew Bloggs.

Yesterday's [interest rate cut/legislation/injection of liquidity/some move by some bank somewhere] caused a minor spike in the S&P/ASX 200, which was quickly lost in todays falls.

The [insert global economic institution] has shown a positive outlook for Australia despite the gloomy economic conditions. 'We foresee an x% recovery by 20xy backed largely on Australia's strong commodities market' said [institution]'s spokesperson Jane Bloggs. 'Overall, Australia's economy is [sound/actually still fairly up the creek if you're realistic about it, though].'

Despite this, economic indicators tell a different tale. The [business confidence survey/consumer spend reports/socialist protesters on Collins street] show a decline in investor confidence over the last [insert period].

Investors are taking refuge in gold, which has seen a consequent price increase of x% over the last day, reaching a high of $xxx/troy ounce.

[AAP/Reuters/via Bloomberg]

Prime loans

(I did this during my lunch break on a quiet day... but I promise, I was 80-20 about it.)

Commentary on Turnbull

As I (and probably many others) foresaw last year, Turnbull has taken over the Liberal leadership in a leadership ballot called by Nelson. Some hot-off-the-wire commentary:

'Turnbull as Environment Minister only committed to X parts per million of whatever substance by 20yy, when established consensus is that you need to
commit to Y PPM and do it now.' - Environmentalist

'Rudd is leveraging his KPMG experience to implement quick hits, and is on track to reach targeted improvement margins in all of his administration's areas
within scope.' - Consultant

'F*** Rudd and KPMG, Turnbull was MD of Goldman!' - Banker

And three reader contributions by Omeed:

'Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy' - Political satirist

'Much easier to draw!' - Newspaper cartoonist

'Pfft... Socialist!' - Nicholas Sarkozy